What will it take to make you laugh? A small joke? Maybe a tiny tickle? How about a gun to your head? (Laugh or you’re dead!)
Laughs are scarce, and life is short! But so is a One Act Play.
Let a writer (that would be me) transport you into a familiar and not so comfortable situation, the doctor’s office.
Now you’re probably wondering…what’s that have to do with laughs?
My ONLY comment, ‘You really need to stop wondering so much!.’ (COME ON!! Give a writer a chance!)
When a serious doctor and a not so serious patient come face to face, there’s no telling how many laughs you’ll get, that too without a PRESCRIPTION.
I present to you, the One Act Play:
Doctor Why-me and the Patient of Gloom.
DOCTOR: So…Mr. Kumar. What’s bothering you today?
KUMAR: Well…I didn’t get proper parking outside.
KUMAR: Oh! And my mother-in-law is visiting.
DOCTOR: What are you saying?
KUMAR: I know! She’s such a proper pain.
DOCTOR: Mr. Kumar, I’m talking about your medical problem.
KUMAR: Ohhh! So sorry. I got confused. Well…I feel some pain in my chest. All thanks to that old woman.
DOCTOR: Which side?
KUMAR: Of course, my wife’s side. That’s why I said Mother-IN-LAW.
DOCTOR: Which side is the pain in your chest?
KUMAR: Aaahhh!! I’m a proper fool. Left side, please.
DOCTOR: Any other symptoms?
KUMAR: Well…my eyes water a lot, runny nose. And my right knee pops very often.
DOCTOR: What do you mean by pop?
KUMAR: You know…pop…pop. Loud sounds. Let me show you.
KUMAR: (WALKS TO THE DOOR AND BACK) See…like popcorn popping.
DOCTOR: Quite strange…does it hurt?
KUMAR: No…it’s just too noisy.
DOCTOR: How bad is the discharge?
KUMAR: Who told you about that?
DOCTOR: What? You did.
KUMAR: I did? Have we met before?
DOCTOR: I’m quite sure we haven’t.
KUMAR: Then did Timmy tell you?
DOCTOR: Who’s Timmy?
KUMAR: Well…this is proper madness. Timmy is the one who got discharged.
DOCTOR: But you’re the one with a runny nose.
KUMAR: Oh my! What does that have to do with Timmy’s discharge from the army?
DOCTOR: Mr. Kumar! I was talking about your nasal discharge. The runny nose…
KUMAR: (SLAPS OWN FOREHEAD) Oh God!! You must think I’m proper crazy.
DOCTOR: (UNDERBREATH) You have no idea…
KUMAR: Yes, the runny nose is very bad. Giving me trouble.
DOCTOR: Alright…lie down. Just a quick check up.
KUMAR: (LIES DOWN) But I must tell you, I come from a family of strong horses.
DOCTOR: (CHUCKLES) Oh…you mean as healthy as horses.
KUMAR: No…they were really horses. I was brought up in a stable.
DOCTOR: You’re kidding!
KUMAR: (SHAKING HEAD) My father worked as a stable boy. Since my mother died when I was very young, I spent all my time in the stables.
DOCTOR: That’s fascinating!
KUMAR: (LAUGHING) I even thought that two horses were my real brothers. But then my father beat me proper, and I came to my senses.
DOCTOR: Ok, take a deep breath now.
KUMAR: Oh, don’t worry, I’m fine. I got many beatings. I was used to it.
DOCTOR: I’m checking your heartbeat, Mr. Kumar. Take some deep breaths.
KUMAR: Ah, yes. Of course.
DOCTOR: (CHECKING HEARTBEAT) Your heart sounds fine, and your chest is clear. Let me take a look at your tummy.
KUMAR: I must tell you, I am a bit ticklish.
DOCTOR: It’s just…
KUMAR: (UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER). Oh no! Please Stop! Stop!
DOCTOR: I haven’t even touched you!
KUMAR: Sorry…I get very nervous. Ok, go ahead.
DOCTOR: (TOUCHES SLIGHTLY) You won’t…
KUMAR: (SCREAMS AND TOPPLES OFF THE EXAMINING TABLE)
DOCTOR: Mr. Kumar!!! Are you alright?!!
KUMAR: (GROANING SOUND) Ohhhhh…my…knee…
DOCTOR: (BENDS DOWN) Let me help you up…easy now…
KUMAR: This is proper embarrassing…I don’t know what happened…
DOCTOR: (SUPPORTING KUMAR ON HIS SHOULDER) Sit down here…slowly…
KUMAR: (WINCES IN PAIN) My knee, Doctor. It hurts!
DOCTOR: (EXAMINES THE KNEE) It seems alright to me. A minor scrape. Take a few steps.
KUMAR: (SHOCKED) What if my knee breaks?
DOCTOR: Come, come now…that’s impossible. Stand up. (HELPS KUMAR STAND UP)
KUMAR: Ok…I can do this. Small steps…one…two…three…(BEGINS TO WALK) Ow! No…Ow! Better…Ow! I’m fine. Yes…no pain.
DOCTOR: See…I told you…
KUMAR: (SCREAMS AND STARTS WALKING FASTER, ALL AROUND THE ROOM, BACK AND FORTH) This can’t be happening.
DOCTOR: What’s wrong with you?
KUMAR: It’s gone! I can’t hear it anymore.
DOCTOR: Trouble with your ears now? Can you hear me?
KUMAR: Oh, Doctor! My ears are fine. But the popping has stopped. No more pop, pop, pop!
DOCTOR: (RELIEVED) There you go, Mr. Kumar. Nothing could be better than that.
KUMAR: (STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. HAS A SHOCKED EXPRESSION) Are you proper joking with me? I need the popping.
DOCTOR: Why on earth, would you need that annoying sound?
KUMAR: (EMOTIONAL VOICE) It reminded me of Johnny. Oh, sweet, Johnny!
DOCTOR: (CONFUSED) The one who was discharged?
KUMAR: You’ve got a terrible memory for a doctor. I’m talking about Johnny, NOT Timmy.
DOCTOR: (UNDERBREATH) God forgive me for asking this… (LOUDLY) But who’s Johnny?
KUMAR: My dear brother. (CHOKED UP) He’s no more now.
DOCTOR: Sorry to hear that…was he sick?
KUMAR: Yes, very. Poor Johnny, suffered a lot. My father finally shot him.
DOCTOR: (JUMPING TO HIS FEET) What!!!
KUMAR: Well…it was the proper thing to do.
DOCTOR: How could your father kill your brother? That’s terrible!
KUMAR: It was better than letting the poor chap die a painful death. Johnny didn’t know what hit him. Bang! Bang! All done.
DOCTOR: Are you out of your mind! Murder is murder!
KUMAR: Tell that to Johnny. The poor fellow couldn’t even swat the flies with his tail anymore.
DOCTOR: Oh Lord! Are you talking about an animal?
KUMAR: He was more than an animal. (ABOUT TO CRY). That horse was my best friend!
DOCTOR: (GETTING UP FROM HIS SEAT) Mr. Kumar, in my opinion, you should see a Neurologist. I really can’t help you.
KUMAR: But, you are a proper doctor. Sally told me.
DOCTOR: Okkk…I won’t even ask who that is. (PAUSE) Hmm…Dr. Samuel would be the right choice for you. I’ll give you his number. (LOOKING AT HIS DIARY)
KUMAR: But what about the pain in my chest? What if I have a heart attack?
DOCTOR: I’m pretty sure it’s not your heart. Probably just flatulence.
KUMAR: (WIDE-EYED) Come again…
DOCTOR: I said…just some flatulence.
KUMAR: Ohhhhh! Krishna! Krishna! Why didn’t I just die before hearing this?
DOCTOR: No reason to get so upset. Lots of people have it. It won’t kill you.
KUMAR: How dare you say that! Where do you think Timmy came from? And also Terry?
DOCTOR: (GROANS LOUDLY) Not again!! (GRIPS OWN HEAD)
KUMAR: Would my wife have put up with it? My mother-in-law would’ve ridiculed me to death by now. Crazy old bat!
DOCTOR: Mr. Kumar, I really don’t have time for this…
KUMAR: Ohhhhhh…so convenient. First you say, I have a limp noodle, and now you have no time.
DOCTOR: (SHOCKED) When did I say that? Are you out of your mind!
KUMAR: I heard you proper. You just said, fuh-lachu-lance.
DOCTOR: (PAINFUL AND FED UP REACTION) (LOUD VOICE) I said flatulence NOT impotence! Flatulence means gas! You’re having gas trouble!
KUMAR: (SHRILL DRY LAUGH) Oh my! What a proper mess. You know what…Kelly would’ve laughed at this.
DOCTOR: Mr. Kumar…please just shoot me. (PUTS HEAD DOWN ON TABLE)
KUMAR: (HESITATING) Are you sure? I have a very bad aim…
It’s the end of the One Act Play, not the end of my writing!
I’ll be back…with more.
What was that? You didn’t laugh? Not even once? Maybe you need to see a doctor too!
I guess Dr. Why-me won’t mind…